“K&R Part III”: Memorable lines
As a follow-up to the recap of “K&R Part III,” here are some memorable lines from the episode, which originally aired on June 21, 2007.
Did I miss your favorites? Share them in the comments.
Jack: “No wonder those guys wanna kill us. I live here, and I wanna kill us.” That’s what you said, right, Simon?
Simon: I honestly don’t remember what I said.
Jack: You don’t have to. It was on TV. It’s still on TV. And unless we do something now, I mean right now, then starting Monday it’ll be on TV a lot.
Simon: What do you want to do?
Jack: I think you should kill yourself.
Jack: Does Danny have anything to drink around here?
Simon: Danny’s an alcoholic.
Jack: His girlfriend’s bleeding in the hospital. Her daughter’s born two weeks early. Tom’s brother was taken hostage by the Taliban. And the star of one of his shows just went on television to declare his allegiance to al Qaeda. He didn’t keep anything around for special occasions?
Jack: Forget the hell that’s about to rain down on this network and on this show. I’m standing here telling you you’re never gonna work again. Ever. You and Michael Richards can open a taco stand together.
Simon: Jack.
Jack: Yeah.
Simon: Fire me, or shut the hell up.
Jack: You don’t feel suicidal?
Simon: Why the hell would I feel suicidal?
Jack: You told the press you were feeling suicidal and homicidal. “No wonder those guys wanna kill us. I wanna kill us.” You’ve calmed down?
Simon: Yeah. Now I only wanna kill you.
Matt: The sketch isn’t radioactive.
Harriet: I believe that it is. And I believe that you believe that it is.
Matt: Well then, I appreciate you saving me the trouble of thinking.
Harriet: I want you to take over the show when Wes retires because that’s what you want.
Matt: I don’t think you’re allowed to sleep with Luke and care about what I want both at the same time.
Harriet: Well, whether I’m allowed to or not, that’s the way it is.
Danny: How is it no one’s ever hit you in the head with a potato?
Harriet: I duck and weave, baby.
Doctor: It sounds worse than it is.
Danny: We’re going to stop saying that now.
Jack: You know, in 1993, Congress issued an apology to native Hawaiians on behalf of the United States for the overthrow of the kingdom of Hawaii a hundred years earlier. All was forgiven, and I have a house in Kauai.
Simon: All right. Fine. Enough.
Jack: You’ll do it.
Simon: Yes.
Jack: You’ll read an apology?
Simon: To the people of Hawaii. Can the people of Africa get one next, or are the Sioux Indians in line ahead of us?
Tom: It’s legal?
Mary: That’s a complicated question. Let’s just say yes.
Boyle: He went from zero to stupid in 4.5 seconds.
Tom: Dealing with the press isn’t easy.
Boyle: I wouldn’t know. I’ve spent my adult life dealing with people who were trying to kill me.
Tom: It’s roughly the same principle.
Matt: I’ve been scared for five weeks, and that’s too long for a grown man.
Harriet: I’ll give you two choices. I can do more Holly Hunter …
Danny: Or?
Harriet: I can teach you how to pray.
Danny: Teach me.
Harriet: God always wins.
Danny: No, it’s just that your Holly Hunter is unbearable.
Jack: I need you.
Matt: Jack, my whole life I’ve been waiting to hear those words from you. Say them again. Say them as if you –
Jack: Shut up.
Matt: All right.
Matt: How do you walk into a hospital and then get sick?
Jack: She’s in a building full of people with diseases. Go figure.
Jack: Tell Simon you want him to apologize.
Matt: We got bigger fish to fry.
Jack: No. We’ve got a lot of fish to fry, and this is one of ‘em. And it’s a big fish, it’s a fish that’s gonna — I don’t wanna do fish anymore.
Matt: He was talking about the press. I don’t think people are going to care that much that he said he wants to kill the press.
Jack: I don’t think people would care that much if he actually did kill the press. But it’s going to be interpreted as wanting to kill America.
Matt: That’s just because it’s more fun to interpret it that way.
Matt: An apology will not be coming.
Jack: Why’s that?
Matt: Because unless it’s with my mom or my girlfriend, when I say I’m sorry, I like to mean it.
Harriet: Get down on your knees.
Danny: Really?
Harriet: Yeah.
Danny: Why?
Harriet: Respect.
Danny: See, this is my first speed-bump. I would think if I were God, I wouldn’t have any ego problems. I wouldn’t need “Oh, Lord, creator of the universe, most powerful and merciful and handsome of all the dieties.” There’s a baby that’s two weeks premature, her mom can’t stop bleeding, my friend and employee’s brother is being held prisoner by medieval heroin dealers. If he needs ten minutes of sucking up before he’ll fix this, I don’t wanna work with him.
Harriet: The kneeling isn’t for him, it’s for you.
Danny: How is it for me?
Harriet: It takes the average person in America sixty years to make what you make in a year. It takes average person in the world sixty lifetimes to earn what you earn in a year. You have choices. Same is true for me. And the one thing that isn’t handed to you on a silver platter is humility. So I like to begin each day on my knees and end each day on my knees.
Danny: If he’s everything you say he is, I shouldn’t have to audition.
Harriet: It’s not an audition.
Danny: If he’s real –
Harriet: He is.
Danny: — and he loves me –
Harriet: He does.
Danny: Why not just fix it?
Harriet: I don’t know. And I’m hoping it’s gonna be a long, long time before you get to ask him yourself. Get on your knees.
Danny: I wasn’t handed anything on a platter. I’m who I am because my parents gave me opportunities. I’m who I am because I worked hard and got good grades. I got what I got because I went after a non-paying television internship and proved myself. I got what I got because I took action.
Harriet: Are you a surgeon or a hematologist?
Danny: No.
Harriet: Then what action can you take now?
Danny: I’m sorry. It feels wrong to be in this room. (He walks out)
Harriet: (Looking up) This isn’t the time, but he made some reasonably good points.
Matt: Mary, I’m not gonna … what do you want me to …
Mary: He can go in there with papers. He can go into Jordan’s room with legal papers, she can make him the guardian.
Matt: I can’t suggest –
Mary: You have to.
Matt: It’s insensitive, it’s ghoulish, and she’s a friend of mine, too, so I wish you wouldn’t talk about her like –
Mary: This isn’t the time to be polite. Danny’s looking at his daughter right now, only she’s not his daughter anymore if Jordan dies.
Matt: Well, she’s not gonna.
Mary: She’s in the ICU, Matt. He could lose his fiancee and his daughter in one night, and that’s preventable.
Studio 60, ABC, K&R Part III, memorable lines
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