Watching Studio60

As a follow-up to yesterday’s recap, here are some memorable lines from “Monday,” the twelfth episode of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Did I miss your favorites? Share them in the comments.

Jordan: Matt’s there ’cause with Harriet gone, it’s like someone moved his food dish. You’re not supposed to be as confused as Matt.

Hallie: You’re not a big fan of unscripted TV.
Jordan: No.
Hallie: Well, I hope I can change that.
Jordan: Dare to dream.

Hallie: The Ed Sullivan Show was reality TV.
Jordan: Get me Elvis and the Beatles, and I’ll watch.
Hallie: Touche.
Jordan: Gezundheit.

Jordan: I’ve taken to dining in my office since my eating habits evoke giggles from my subordinates.

Hallie: You don’t like me, do you.
Jordan: I just met you a minute and ten seconds ago. I haven’t formed an opinion.

Jordan: Every other network had a VP of illiterate programing …
Hallie: Alternative programming.
Jordan: Yes, and Jack wanted one, too. … What did I say?
Hallie: Illiterate programming.
Jordan: That’s like a Tourette’s thing. That was weird.

Matt: [Reading from The 48 Laws of Power] “Law number two, never put too much trust in friends. Learn how to use your enemies. Law number three, conceal your intentions. Law number four, always say less than necessary.”
Andy: You’re thinking you could …
Matt: I could never do that.
Darius: It’s big in the hip hop community.
Matt: Do they know it’s written by a guy whose only achievement is writing the book?

Matt: I’m all for teen abstinence. I’m just saying, as a former teen, that’s not gonna happen. Ever.

Lucy: I have my own voluntary abstinence program in place.

Wilson: Jack was speaking.
Ted: My good friend Jack Rudolph is not a member of the board of directors of this company, I am.
Wilson: And I’m sure your parents are very proud, Ted.

Ted: Please, someone tell me how the world comes to an end if we do what they want, and time-delay the news. Five seconds. You could just do the same …
Jack: The only reason …
Ted: Excuse me.
Jack: No, I don’t think I will. The only reason to time-delay the news is so that you have the option of censoring the news. A federal agency, in wartime, censoring a live news story because of the language a soldier used when a rocket-propelled grenade exploded over his head.
Ted: This discussion is for an ethics class at a women’s college. The FCC has assessed your network, which we own, a fine of $325,000 per affiliate, for a total of $73 million. What are you going to do about it?
Jack: Not pay it.
Ted: And when they say, “Give us our money,” you’re going to say …
Jack: No.

Jack: I’m not a Bedouin. I like making money, and I’ve made a lot of it for you. You can’t, you simply can’t, in this country, mess around with news coverage of a war. Ted, believe me, I wish this was a fight for ethics. I wish this was a conversation about the integrity of the news, but it’s not. It’s about preventing ourselves from being a laughingstock.
Ted: Well, I don’t feel like a laughingstock.
Jack: That’s only because you’re a moron.
Ted: (to Wilson) You’re backing up what he said?
Wilson: Yes. Including and especially your being a moron.

Jack: Sorry for calling Atkins a moron.
Wilson: Yeah.
Jack: I appreciate your jumping in and calling him a moron too.
Wilson: I didn’t want to leave you alone out there.

Jack: What’s the plan?
Wilson: I don’t have one.
Jack: You stood at Studio 60 and you said we were gonna fight these guys and we were gonna win.
Wilson: I’m an old man. I don’t know what I’m saying half the time.

Matt: Hey, did you see Luke much over the holidays? Luke Scott, Luke S.?
Harriet: Just for hair and makeup tests, and to do him a couple of times in his hot tub.
Matt: Twice? That’s a pretty serious relationship for Luke.
Harriet: Look who’s talking. And Luke has more romanticness in his whole body than you’ve got in your little finger.
Matt: You’ve got it backwards, Kitten, and “romanticness” isn’t a word.

Hallie: Uh oh. There’s another pretty girl at the dance, and this one’s not pregnant.

Jordan: One minute she was telling me how much she admired me, the next she was challenging me to a duel.

Danny: This is good.
Matt: I like it for its maturity.
Danny: You gonna lecture me on maturity, leather-boot boy?
Matt: I gave the boot back! I’m 24-hour maturity!

Lucy: “As in, ‘The Man took away my Medicaid,’ you stupid prat.”
Simon: What the hell is a prat?
Lucy: A git. A plonker.

Lucy: The men who work here have a very difficult time focusing on one thing at a moment. They’re easily distracted by shiny objects.

Kim: Tell him I just turned 20, and in this country that means I get to make my own decisions.
Jack: Okay. (Takes out Chinese dictionary and begins searching for words.)

Jack: You wanna meet with Tom Jeter, Kim? Have him tell you about life in comedy?
Kim: I would be indebted to you.
Jack: Sadly for you, I need your father to be indebted to me. But this is going to work out fine for all of us.

Suzanne: Harriet’s coming up.
Matt: When she gets here, keep her waiting a few minutes. I don’t like her thinking I’m so accessible.
Harriet: Matt? I came in one of the other six doors.

Matt: Harry, do me a favor, huh? Next year, if you’re going to go to a New Year’s Eve party with Luke, could you pick one where you guys aren’t going to run into, like, every person I know.
Harriet: You grabbed me during a show — the Christmas show — and kissed me. And then it was like it never happened. Guess what, cubby. Pick a gear and stay in it a while.

Lucy: He appears to be a gentleman.
Matt: He is.
Lucy: And very cute.
Matt: I can’t speak to that.

Matt: Did you get my fax recommendation for Danny?
Jordan: Yes I did, Matt, along with 38 others, including Martin Scorcese, Lauren Bacall, and Lord Dickenson, the Third Earl of Kent.
Matt: But, did you think mine was the best?

Matt: It’s the bible of gangster wannabes and psychopaths.

Jordan: You have to stop. This was embarrassing to me, Danny. Everyone you did this with now knows that … This was unprofessional. You made me look silly at the worst possible time –
Danny: Jordan –
Jordan: The worst possible time. Between us, we have three marriages, a DUI, cocaine addiction, and a baby by another man. And, I’m your boss. You asked me out once, I said no. You asked me again, I said no. You asked me out again, I said no.
Danny: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.
Jordan: Will you please stop.
Danny: No.

Studio 60, NBC, Monday, memorable lines