Watching Studio60

As a follow-up to yesterday’s recap, here are some memorable lines from Studio 60’s third episode, “The Focus Group.”

Jordan: Can I also say L.A. focus groups are the most useless? Listen to them. Those are unemployed writers and directors in there who are trying to impress me because they know I’m standing back here. They’re unemployed for a reason, and they’ll stay unemployed. Even if they could properly place commedia dell’arte in 17th-century Italy.
Jack: There’s no other television network at which this conversation is taking place.

Jordan: We pay people $40 and a sandwich to tell us how to do our jobs?

Danny: Can we get her a witch’s hat that’s not two sizes too big?
Harriet: This is how we’re wearing them today.

Matt: Harriet, you say a word, any word at all about God not liking to be mocked …
Harriet (in Holly Hunter voice): You know what? I think you’re the devil.

Simon: Where did we get these candles from?
Harriet: The PAs ran out to the store.
Simon: Did they go to the Phantom of the Opera House of Crap?

Ricky: How are our two new anchors?
Simon: I’m scared out of my mind.
Ricky: Well, you should be. News 60’s been the centerpiece of the show for twenty years. It makes or breaks stars and the show lives or dies with its success or failure. Plus, Simon, you’re the first black anchor we’ve ever had.
Simon: I meant I was scared of the dark, but now it’s what you just said.

Ricky: You think there’s any chance you might come down off your horse and stop being pissed at us for something that happened four years ago, and work with us?
Matt: Not a big chance, no.
Ricky: You want us to quit?
Matt: Badly. You think it’s going to happen?
Ricky: Not a big chance, no.

Danny: They can focus it all they want, but they can’t make me care.

Danny: They were asked if it was patriotic or unpatriotic?
Ricky: Yeah.
Danny: It’s a television show, it’s not the Iwo Jima Memorial. Those were the only two choices they were given?

Matt: It was Jack, telling me I’m not American enough.
Danny: Actually, it was 50 percent of respondents telling you you’re not American enough. Throw it out.
Matt: They wanna see my passport?
Danny: They wanna see you take fewer whacks at Bush, and it looks like they’re getting their wish. So throw it out.
Matt: It’s four years ago, all over again.
Danny: What did you think it was going to be?
Matt: Four years later. And by the way, I’d be happy to take shots at the Democrats, too, if only one of them would say or do something.

Danny: It’s just, I can’t remember sometimes, are you a boy pussycat or a girl pussycat?
Matt: What the hell?
Danny: You’re a boy pussycat. You’re a pussyboy.

(After power goes out again)
Harriet: I don’t know what to tell you guys. Either God’s a little sweet on me today, he doesn’t like Simon at all, or Jeannie, he disapproves of you sleeping with my ex-boyfriend.
Jeannie: Harry …
Tom: She’s kidding.
Harriet: I am, baby. It’s ’cause he doesn’t like Simon at all.

Danny: Are they fixing it?
Cal: In a manner of speaking, yeah.
Danny: What does that mean?
Cal: They don’t know how to fix it.

Jordan: Make all the funny jokes you want, but mine was booze eight years ago and yours was coke two weeks ago.

Danny: Can I ask, on any floor, on any corridor, in any office of your building next door, has the possibility been brought up that your DUI eight years ago is not news, it’s entertainment?

Danny: She wants us to make fun of her.
Matt: Okay, well, your teeth are pretty big.

Ricky: Can we cut to the chase?
Danny: Yeah. If it were up to me, we’d even cut the chase.
Ricky: What problem do the two of you have with the two of us, and when is it going to stop?
Danny: Whoa, whoa. First of all, Matt and I are two separate people. Don’t paint us with the same brush. Matt has a problem with you. I’m completely indifferent toward you.

Danny: When AP asked you for a reaction quote, do you remember what you said?
Ricky: It was more than four years ago, Danny, I have no earthly idea what I said.
Ron: I do.
Ricky: Ron …
Ron: You said, “Matt Albie certainly doesn’t speak for the cast, crew and staff of Studio 60, whose thoughts and prayers are with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11.”
Danny: See? He got it word for word. Were Matt’s thoughts and prayers not with the brave men and women who lost their lives on September 11th?
Ricky: It was 9/11, everyone was out of their frigging minds. And by the way, I’m the one pushing the Bush sketches.
Danny: Yeah, I imagine now that the president’s approval rating is seven guys in Tupelo, Mississippi, the water feels a little safer.

Ricky: He needs us, and you know it too. Nobody can write ninety minutes of television every week by themselves, he’ll be dead by his sixth show.
Danny: And when that happens, I’m sure you’ll be ready to take his job.

Jordan: I was 25. I married a slug.
Jack: So did my wife, but I don’t make her go to Plato’s Retreat.
Jordan: You make her go to the People’s Choice Awards. That’s not bad enough?

Jack: First thing Monday, you sit down with Shelly, your lawyer, and our lawyer, and you tell them every detail you can think of.
Jordan: Okay, but there’s going to need to be an open bar.
Jack: Keep the whimsy.

Jeannie: Idiot boys!
Danny: She’s talking to us?
Matt: Yeah.

Matt (reassuring Jeannie about the Commedia dell’Arte sketch): The network’s doing another dial group tonight because … well, because they just can’t help themselves. They’re doing it during the live show, so we’ll have the results roughly the same time we have the ratings. The focus group is made up entirely of people who saw last week’s show. The two people who liked it last week is going to go up to three. That one person is going to represent an additional 500,000 viewers. If it doesn’t go up to three, I’m going to give you $10,000 cash. Is that serious enough? If the two doesn’t go to three, I give you $10,000. If it does, you have to wear a T-shirt at the wrap party that says “Matt Is My Hero, and Danny Thinks Moliere Was Italian.” I’m having wardrobe make the shirt right now.

Harriet: Ealing is a town of fewer than 4,000 people. More than half the adult population work in the Hanover Bakery plant, and the average income is $18,000 a year, or roughly the same thing I’ll be paid to perform this show tonight. Why are we making fun of them? “Crazy Christians,” “Science Schmience,” Bush and the Republicans, that’s all fair game, that’s hypocrisy and power. These guys are just trying to raise their kids. Why can’t the school do whatever play it wants?
Matt: You let her win this argument?
Simon: She can make the lights go on and off by herself.
Tom: It’s true.

Matt: Tell me the truth. You’ve talked to them, tell me the truth. How important is audience retention?
Danny: It’s important, Matt! We can’t lose more than 10 percent. What do you think? The sponsors, the affiliates, the press, the Right, our job, Jordan’s job, everybody’s job, it’s important.
Matt: All right, lie to me next time.

Did I miss one of your favorite lines from this episode? Share it in the comments.

Studio 60, NBC, The Focus Group, memorable lines