Watching Studio60

As a follow-up to the recap of “The Friday Night Slaughter,” here are some memorable lines from the episode.

Did I miss your favorites? Share them in the comments.

Jordan: Hi, this is Jordan McDeere. I’m the president of NBS West Coast Entertainment.
Danny: Yes, ma’am.
Jordan: I’m concerned that not enough of your cameras are aimed at her chest.
Danny: Well, I got all four of them working, but this is just dress. If you want, I can bring in some IMAX equipment for tonight.
Jordan: This is what you like, huh?
Danny: Me? No. I’ll tell you why. She’s too sexy.
Jordan: My hormones are like the Los Alamos experiment right now.
Danny: What does that mean?
Jordan: Get the cameras off her chest!

Andy: You know, I don’t really like anything or anyone, but if you ever wanted to talk about anything …

Matt: Are ya senile?
Cal: Me?
Matt: Yeah.
Cal: I hope so, ’cause if I’ve got further to fall, then I …

Harriet: You’ve never seen me perform. How do you know what I’d be good at?
Matt: I watched your audition tape.
Harriet: When?
Matt: After I saw you Monday morning. Then again after I came down here. Tuesday a few times, and this morning.
Harriet: Really?
Matt: And again last night. I made a dub.

Matt: I read a piece in U.S. News & World Report about the next presidential elections, Gore vs. Bush or McCain, being strongly influenced by what people are calling “values voters.”
Harriet: Yeah?
Matt: The Christian Right, evangelicals, honey-crusted nut bars.
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: And this is because of surveys showing that people feel America lost its moral compass under Clinton.
Harriet: And?
Matt: We’ve gotta start mocking these people.
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: And not because they’re a walking vending machine of punch lines, because they’re dangerous.
Harriet: Yes.
Matt: This is the thought that was running through my head when I read yet another survey that said, and I’m not making this up, 68 percent of Americans believe in angels.
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: Okay, so here’s the pitch: You as a crazy Christian radio host who believes in the literal truth of the Bible. You answer callers’ questions and give advice on Revelations. Your long-suffering staff has to keep coming up with excuses as to why you can’t book an actual angel as a guest, to shield you from your –
Harriet: Matthew?
Matt: You can call me Matt.
Harriet: I’m one of them.
Matt: One of what?
Harriet: The 68 percent. I’m a honey-crusted nut bar.
Matt: Seriously?
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: Okay … Did I just offend you?
Harriet: Are you freaking kidding me?
Matt: I’m very sorry. … I’m sorry. Is this what you meant by, “The things you don’t know about me?”
Harriet: Weren’t you happier when you thought I was talking about drugs?

Matt: I’d say the last two places I’d expect to find a member of the Christian Right are the corridors of Studio 60 and a synagogue.
Luke: Did you offend her?
Matt: I couldn’t have offended her more if I re-crucified her savior. It was stunning.

Luke: The world’s worst singing teacher. It could be a running character, stay on for years. She’d be indebted to me for writing so well for her, it’d feel just like actual love.

Danny: (to baby, hands on Jordan’s belly) You hear this voice? This voice is authoritative, confident. This voice is always right.
Jordan: Done?
Danny: Yes.
Jordan: (laughs)

Simon: I’ve got the most important audition of my life in … six hours ago.

Simon: Are you in love with her or just stupid?
Matt: What do you mean?
Simon: If you’re writing for a new cast member, there’s not much chance it’s going to get aired. I’ve never heard of you, so you need to get on the air. So which one is it?
Matt: I’m stupid.
Simon: You write like you’re on a first date. “Look at all the words I know.”

Matt: You’re able to work when you’re feeling like that?
Diana: No, but I’m able to drink when I’m feeling like that, and then I’m able to work.

Tom: Here comes Andy, he’ll make us feel better. Andy!
Andy: You graceless homicidal bastards. I think if you go check the stage you’ll find jokes lying on the floor, where you left them to die.
Tom: It was his pacing.
Andy: (to Tom) Should someone have indicated to you on a map where Canada is? Because your Canadian accent –
Tom: Too much?
Andy: — was Mexican.
Tom: This is the longest they’ve ever taken to decide.
Andy: In the old days, if your sketch didn’t make it on the air, they used to send you downstairs naked to sell lemon drinks. Shrouded only in your failure, you’d have to explain to the patrons why you weren’t good enough.
Dylan: There used to be a naked lemon-drink salesman?
Tom: Yeah.
Andy: That’s right.
Matt: Just a couple more minutes.
Andy: Just telling them about the old days, Matt. The slaughter.
Matt: Yeah.
Andy: You know, when men were men and boys were scared. Not a place for joke blowers. Not a place for the mug-prone or for the slow of pace.

Harriet: Hey, what was your point with the 100 million angels?
Matt: Ten thousand times ten thousand.
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: It just seems to me that you’re putting an awful lot of faith in the testimony of people who couldn’t count very high. I mean, you say you’ve never seen one.
Harriet: If I could see them, it wouldn’t be faith.

Matt: Well, I guess you’d have to say we broke up.
Danny: That’s what you and Harriet do.

Matt: She’s with Luke now. She said so.
Danny: Well, you can change that any time you want. Five words: “I can’t live without you.”
Matt: No, we broke up.
Danny: Just try it.
Matt: I actually can’t do that.
Danny: Why not?
Matt: Because I can’t put myself in a position to feel worse than I do right now.

Studio 60, NBC, The Friday Night Slaughter, memorable lines