Watching Studio60

As a follow-up to the recap of “The Harriet Dinner Part 1,” here are some memorable lines from the episode.

Did I miss your favorites? Share them in the comments.

Jack: There comes a time in every great man’s life when he needs a favor from … someone like you.
Tom: What does someone like me usually say?
Jack: Well, they’re usually too scared to say anything but yes.
Tom: I hear that.

Jack: I need a favor from Zhiang.
Tom: You should ask him, just the way you’re asking me.
Jack: No, because he’s a person of considerable importance.
Tom: Sure.

Jack: I’m going to keep talking until I’m done, and then if you feel like there’s something you need to say, I’ll give you a moment.
Tom: Have I done something wrong?
Jack: Probably, but that’s not what this is about. Kim is a viola prodigy.
Tom: I know.
Jack: That is a huge source of pride for her father.
Tom: I’m sure.
Jack: She wants to give up the viola to take up doing what you do. Comedy. That would be a huge source of shame for her father.
Tom: Mm-hm.
Jack: I’m going to say something now, and when I do, I want you to look at me. ‘Cause when you look at me, you’re going to know that I’m not employing hyperbole. The fate of Western civilization rests on you talking her out of it.

Hallie: We can’t get the rights to the title “All You Need Is Love.”
Jordan: The Beatles said no?
Hallie: There was already a show that used it.
Jordan: Damn it to hell. Alright, well, it was a great idea anyway, Hallie. Better luck next —
Jack: Shut up.
Jordan: Alright.

Zelda: Sales loves it.
Jordan: What were the odds.

Ribner: Jack, you should be aware of a trends study that shows that adults 18-34 are increasingly concerned with being good and doing good.
Jordan: And this show is a quantum leap in that direction.

Jack: We’ve got a hole in May because of your spectacular Dracula blunder.
Jordan: Hey, hey, I didn’t trade Romanian currency. I didn’t cause their market to tank. I wasn’t the one who couldn’t pay the crew, and I didn’t run off with the sets and the cameras.
Jack: You just …
Jordan: Oversaw the whole thing.

Jack: If Tom told her to eat a viola, she would do it.

Jack: I love event TV. I don’t watch it, but I’m crazy about it.

Jordan: When the time is good, you’re going to tell me why you brought Hallie here, right?
Jack: (long awkward silence) I brought Hallie here … I brought her here … for exactly the reason … to run alternative programming.

Matt: I think she’s asking you to stop.
Danny: Yeah, I know.
Matt: Any chance you can just stop thinking about her?
Danny: Show me how. Stop thinking about Harriet.
Matt: Yeah, alright.
Danny: I’ll leave her alone. I’ll tell her I’m sorry, I’ll leave her alone.
Matt: For what it’s worth, I like seeing you the way you’ve been.
Danny: In pain?

Matt: I know it seems like the truth is the best way to go, but it hardly ever is.

Tom: I’m not choosing to go out with another woman.
Matt: The only words in that sentence that mean anything are “another woman.”

Darius: What are you going to wear?
Lucy: I was going to dress like a girl. Do you have anything I could borrow?

Masi Oka: Hey, I heard you’re playing Anita Pallenberg.
Harriet: Yeah, it’s exciting.
Oka: You know you’re going to need to act, you just can’t do your funny voices.

Cal: Hey, it turns out Danny Tripp’s afraid of snakes. These are harmless, right?
Bevo : No, they’re vipers.
Cal: Harmless vipers.
Bevo : No, regular vipers.
Cal: Uh-huh, so if they bite you, you’d what?
Bevo : Go into anaphylactic shock. (snake hisses)
Cal: But they would only bite if they’re provoked.
Bevo: They’ll strike at any kind of movement.
Cal: Okay, you know what, let’s get this done.

Darius: Look, I didn’t want to write your damn mongongo fruit sketch.
Simon: I’d pay more attention to your general tone of voice with me.
Darius: You’re right, I apologize. It’s just, I’m saying, I –
Simon: You don’t want to work on my sketch, that’s fine. But you don’t want to work on it because it’s black, that makes you the pool boy at the little house of Uncle Thomas.

Harriet: I’m getting an award from Catholics in Media.
Luke: You’re not Catholic.
Harriet: They feel I’m good enough to be Catholic.
Luke: You are.

Luke: Can I be your priest for a second? You and Matt broke up a long time ago. Except you see each other every day at work, and you do his show every Friday night. Breaking up hasn’t broken you up, it’s just become a new condition of your relationship, and it’s comfortable now. Mostly, it’s all you have left. It’s not hard to understand, but you gotta ask yourself — don’t you deserve a lot more? Don’t you want a lot more?

Bevo: Are there any places around here a snake might hide?

Bevo: This is going to be easy, Cal. They leave a trail.
Cal: If the trail leads to my boss’s office, have the viper bite me on the face.

Cal: Two days, Bevo. I’ve had a viper and a well-fed ferret under the stage who’s almost certainly rabid at this point. It’s been two days, and I need to start telling people what’s going on. It’s time for me to tell them the truth.
Danny: Cal, what the hell’s going on?
Cal: Uh, electrical problem! … Soon it’s going to be time for me to start telling them the truth.

Danny: I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I feel terrible that I embarrassed you with the letters, and it’ll all stop now and go back to normal.
Jordan: Well (long pause) okay.

Danny: (to Jordan, after locking them on the roof) Here’s the good news. This right here is a crucial scene in any romantic comedy.

Simon: Give me your manhood right now, give it to me, because you’re not gonna be needing it. Let’s let somebody else use it.
Tom: Oh, my God.
Simon: What?
Tom: That can’t possibly be Kim.
Simon: Where?
Tom: There.
Simon: That’s Kim?
Tom: Oh, my God.
Simon: Alright, you’re gonna need your manhood.
Tom: No, I’m not, I’m not allowed.

Tom: Kim, you’re 20 years old, right?
Kim: Yep.
Tom: Well, just because I’m a little responsible for you tonight, I wanted to tell you that the drinking age in California is 21.
Kim: What’s the age for taking you back to my hotel room and dancing for you?
Simon: Eighteen.
Tom: Thank you. Let’s talk about you and the viola.
Kim: Let’s talk about you and your cute ass.

Danny: You know what? Maybe the wireless companies should take a quick break from putting movies on my phone and spend a little time seeing to it I can make phone calls with my phone.

Matt: Talk to Danny, he’s directed two pretty good movies. It’s hard, you really don’t have time to cover for Dr. Phil.

Danny: I wanted to talk to you so I could apologize, which I’ve done. I fell for you, I told you, I courted you every hour of every day. What a jackass am I.
Jordan: You felt sorry for me, you ambushed me, you embarrassed me every hour of every day, and yes, you are a jackass.
Danny: Felt sorry for you? I felt sorry for you for what?
Jordan: For being pregnant by myself.
Danny: How can someone so smart and beautiful be so consistently wrong and dumb.
Jordan: Is this you courting me?
Danny: No, I quit that.

Lucy: God, Tom, we hadn’t even been out on a date yet. Aren’t you supposed to wait until you’ve slept with me to start acting like a creep?

Tom: I’m doing my best.
Jack: Your best isn’t going to do it, Tom. You need to do somebody else’s best.

Jordan: When did it happen?
Danny: What?
Jordan: When did you, you know …
Danny: Fall in love with you?
Jordan: You’re not in love with me, so stop saying that.
Danny: I’ll be in charge of who I’m in love with, if that’s okay.
Jordan: It’s not okay.
Danny: Then call the cops.
Jordan: When did you decide this?
Danny: It’s not a decision, you’re not buying a snow blower.
Jordan: Then when did you …
Danny: The first time I met you!
Jordan: The first time you met me, you hated me. You didn’t trust me, thought I was a network bitch, you thought I was blackmailing you.
Danny: You proved me wrong.
Jordan: So your only recourse was to fall in love with me?
Danny: Ironic.
Jordan: I’m asking when you suddenly –
Danny: Jordan, what do you want from me? You’ve rejected me, I’m stuck up on a roof, I have a snake loose in my studio. If I deserve punishment, I’m getting it.
Jordan: I didn’t say you deserved punishment.

Danny: It’s a continuation of the one-sheet world.
Jordan: What’s a “one-sheet world”?
Danny: You know, a movie poster, a one-sheet. I think we’ll do the Green Lantern, I can see the one-sheet now. Don’t worry that we don’t have a story, we’re going to make all our money before word-of-mouth can kill us anyway. We elect presidents the same way. He’s got a big name, he’ll raise money, he’ll get the nomination. We’ll teach him how to be president later.
Jordan: It was a TV promo, you tremendous doofus!

Jordan: Maybe they’re having too good a time.
Danny: Matt and Harriet? I’m not worried about that.

Matt: What damn Harriet crime have I committed now?

Harriet: We’re going to be finished tonight. Don’t be scared.

Studio 60, NBC, Harriet Dinner Part 1, memorable lines