Watching Studio60

As a follow-up to the recap of “The Harriet Dinner Part 2,” here are some memorable lines from the episode.

Did I miss your favorites? Share them in the comments.

Matt: Can we calm down a second …
Harriet: I’m calm.
Matt: … or go back in time?
Harriet: This is it.
Matt: Not far back, just ten minutes, ’cause that’s when the ground cracked open.
Harriet: No, let’s not go back ten minutes, let’s go back four days, when you decided you didn’t want me, but didn’t want anyone else to have me either.
Matt: Are you kidding?
Harriet: Or two years, when you denied in the press that we were a couple.
Matt: I didn’t deny –
Harriet: Or four weeks, when you kissed me at the show because Luke was there, or any month of any year …
Matt: Alright, stop it, stop it now. There should be some kind of standard of due process in these things, some damn 14th amendment …
Harriet: Shut up.
Matt: I didn’t deny anything to the press. I can’t believe you still … some gossip guy calls my publicist and says, “Is he dating Harriet Hayes?” I don’t comment. No one in their right mother-freaking mind does.
Harriet: I did. I did, you didn’t. You know how stupid that made me look?
Matt: I really don’t have a whole lot of control as to how smart or stupid you look, Harriet. Except for the TV show that I write that made you a star.
Harriet: You made me a star?
Matt: I made you look stupid? … I don’t participate in gossip columns. I know you know that, because you’re not borderline retarded. So why are you trying to set us on fire.
Harriet: Because your being her tonight, your kissing me at Christmas, your feigning jealousy over Darren Wells, these are acts of cruelty disguised as cuteness. Let me ask you something: You think Luke Scott wants to date me again?
Matt: Yes.
Harriet: You’re right. He told me he did. How is it you say you can’t be with me if we’re working together, but Luke has no problem with it?
Matt: Harriet, I don’t say we can’t be together if we’re working together. We can’t be together if we’re working together!
Harriet: Well, doesn’t that work out nicely for you?
Matt: (after she’s walked away) No, it doesn’t.

Jordan: Next to the dumpster, he’s asleep. There’s a … you know, a …
Danny: Are you trying to say “bum”?
Jordan: That’s not a very nice word.
Danny: Oh, I see. There’s a man down there who’s both housing and employment challenged.
Jordan: Let’s make fun of the homeless. They deserve it.
Danny: I was making fun of you.

Cal: (to coyote) You don’t scare me. (Coyote growls) You do. You do scare me. That was hubris.

Tom: Kim, that’s your fifth tequila. That would be a lot of you were Jose Cuervo.
Kim: What do you do with girls on dates?
Tom: Drink black coffee. We drink lots and lots of coffee.

Tom: I’m gonna go find Jack, who will kill me with his thumbs.

Matt: What about the baseball bat?
Harriet: I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.
Matt: “Here’s a baseball bat. Gosh, there’s a guy’s phone number on it. How could I have known that when I’m from Michigan, where nobody plays baseball.”
Harriet: Well, it was a silly act, and to the extent I was responsible …
Matt: The extent you were responsible?
Harriet: Can you let me finish?
Matt: To the extent you were responsible, Harriet? Whether it’s with me, or the next guy, or the guy after that, you may wanna consider taking it upon yourself to assume a little accountability.
Harriet: I was hurt by Jeannie. You were with Jeannie.
Matt: What about the fact that you opened this discussion by quoting Luke to me? I mean, to the extent that you’re responsible for the words that come out of your mouth.
Harriet: Feel free to change the subject.
Matt: I really don’t remember what the subject is.
Harriet: It was Jeannie. You went out with my friend.
Matt: You don’t get to be the star of every show, Harry. I didn’t choose Jeannie because she was your friend. I chose her because she was my friend. But let me ask you if this is the subject: I never proposed to you.
Harriet: Yes. That’s the subject.
Matt: You know what? If we had just been able to go six months without some eruption like this one tonight, we’d be shopping for preschools right now.
Harriet: That’s the worst lie you’ve ever told.

Matt: I wasn’t lying before.
Harriet: Well, either it was lying or psychotic, so …
Matt: I don’t understand what’s happening tonight, I swear I don’t.
Harriet: What eruptions were you talking about? You said, “If it weren’t for these eruptions … ”
Matt: Yeah.
Harriet: ” … we’d be married by now.”
Matt: I need to make these notes. I’m not as good on my feet as you –
Harriet: That’s not the reason you’ve been using for the last five months. Last five months you’ve changed keys, you said it’s been the show.
Matt: The reason we’re not together?
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: It is the show.
Harriet: Not the phantom eruptions?
Matt: The eruptions aren’t a phantom. I’m living through one right now.
Harriet: Who exactly was going to be bothered by it?
Matt: God, Harry –
Harriet: Who?
Matt: Simon, Tom, Jeannie, Sam, Alex, Dylan, Cal, Danny, the crew, the studio, the network. I landed in this thing. I didn’t ask for it.
Harriet: But we broke up before you did.
Matt: Before what?
Harriet: You landed in it.
Matt: We’ve broken up about 18 times.
Harriet: I was talking about the last time. It was about two weeks before you took the job.
Matt: That particular time, you were so filled with the spirit of the Lord that you sang a few ballads for people who throw rocks at pregnant teenagers.
Harriet: So that particular time it was neither the show nor an irrational eruption.
Matt: Right.
Harriet: It’s because I was a wack job.
Matt: I never cared that you’re a wack job.
Harriet: I can’t believe I haven’t shown more gratitude for that.
Matt: I’ll tell you what I think is happening. I think you can’t walk away, so you’re burning down the house.
Harriet: Yes.
Matt: All the times I said I love you, all of those times, you think I was lying?
Harriet: Yeah.
Matt: Well, that’s disappointing.

Danny: What are you doing?
Jordan: I’m writing a note to the … you know, the …
Danny: The well-assimilated member of society asleep in the Hefty bag?

Danny: You can reject me or you can be jealous of me, but you can’t do both at the same time.

Jordan: You understand why I can’t go out with you, right?
Danny: Not even a little.
Jordan: I’m pregnant with another man’s baby.
Danny: Yeah, I haven’t seen him around much, have you?
Jordan: You looking to be a surrogate father?
Danny: I stopped hitting on you a while ago, do we really have to –
Jordan: Is the attraction physical?
Danny: Is it what?
Jordan: Physical.
Danny: Well … right now, you’re the size of a minivan.
Jordan: Hey, I’m a very nice-looking pregnant woman.
Danny: Yes.
Jordan: I’m glowing.
Danny: You are.

Bevo: The snake’s blocking the exit. That’s why the coyote won’t come back. He’s afraid of the snake.
Cal: And the ferret?
Bevo: He’s afraid of the coyote.
Cal: I tell you, man, this lacks the feel of professionalism.

Cal: I’ve got the animal kingdom Axis of Evil down there.

Cal: Fine! I’m going to bring in a crew, we’re going to rip up the floor, and when I find these animals, I’m gonna cook ‘em, and I’m gonna eat ‘em.

Jack: How’d you let her get like this?
Tom: It happened really fast.
Simon: True, I was there.
Tom: She wanted to take me back to her hotel and dance for me.
Jack: You didn’t do that, right?
Tom: No!
Jack: She’s 20 years old, Tom.
Tom: She’s Courtney Love, Jack!

Jack: You’re going to take her to Studio 60, you’re going to have her lie down in your dressing room.
Tom: Yeah, Jack, you know, I kind of already have a problem with a girl thinking that I lied to her about tonight, and I’d like to explain things to her …
Jack: Things I don’t care about. Things I don’t care about.

Matt: What did you say to him?
Harriet: What?
Matt: What did you say when he told you he wanted to date you?
Harriet: Nothing, I didn’t say anything. But I remembered what being with him was like. And I think about it during rehearsals, and what being with him again would be like. And I start thinking about sleeping with him. And then I stop out of an attachment to you that isn’t real. I feel like I’m cheating on you.
Matt: Stop. I didn’t hear anything after … You think about sleeping with him. (Harriet nods) There’s really nothing to say after that. I didn’t know.

Matt: This whole thing reminds me of an old joke. There’s a banquet filled with Catholic priests. It’s a sumptuous … it’s a very fancy affair, much like this one … and the waiter goes up to one of the priests and says: “How do you go about … uh, how does somebody become a … you know … how do you go about being a … ” The priest tells him about vows of poverty. It’s an old joke, but the punch line is: “If this is poverty, I can’t wait to see chastity.” … Harriet has, uh, served on the boards of the Children’s Hospice Coalition and … You know, I think I’ll take a cue from … I’m just going to let … her, uh … Ladies and gentlemen, Harriet Hayes.

Jack: How’re you doing, Kim.
Kim: I want Tom to take his pants off.
Jack: Life’s full of disappointments. That’d probably be one of them.

Cal: (to cast and staff) I wanted to be straight with you. I wanted to tell you the truth. … We’ve failed our annual mold inspection.

Cal: This is the non-toxic kind.
Andy: There is no non-toxic kind. You breathe it in and you die.
Cal: That’s not really the can-do spirit we like to promote around here, Andy.

Cal: The only place we didn’t pass the mold inspection was in a small electrical area under the stage. We’ll be rehearsing in an hour. Everything’s fine.
Simon: Where are the executive producers?
Cal: That is a mystery. Though it certainly wouldn’t surprise me if they were under the stage as well.

Jack: You’re a musical prodigy, Kim. Why in the world would you want to give that up? You’re just starting. … Lie down on your stomach, it’ll help with the spins.
Kim: I’m not just starting. I was practicing four hours a day when I was 36 months old. And I was 14 before I found out that wasn’t normal. I slept in a cemetery overnight so I’d get tough.
Jack: Why does a viola player have to be tough?
Kim: I couldn’t begin to tell you. But I know I’m not just starting out.

Danny: It’s not a ridiculous crush. Don’t do that. Feel however you feel, but don’t, you know –
Jordan: When you get sober, don’t they tell you not to make any decisions for a year?
Danny: Yes.
Jordan: No new job, don’t buy a house, don’t get married.
Danny: You think –
Jordan: You had a relapse. You’ve barely got a hundred days.
Danny: You think this is drug-related?
Jordan: You’re feeling good, you can clean up your life, instant respectability.
Danny: Well, I am feeling pretty respectable right now, Jordan. You, on the other hand, are frightened of blond executives and you’re pulling paper out of my ear.

Matt: (singing to the tune of “I Say a Little Prayer for You”) You get mad without basis, I get mad when you sing for racists, Say a little prayer for you …

Jack: You speak English.
Zhiang: I speak a few words.
Jack: How many words?
Zhiang: All of them.
Jack: Why do you pretend you can’t speak English?
Zhiang: It’s fun.

Jack: Your daughter’s not going to quit the viola. You didn’t raise an idiot. But you might consider getting up off her ass for a short time, you commie prick. Did you understand all those words?

Cal: It’s okay with me if the animals die.
Humane Society Lady: Mr. Shanley!
Cal: And it’s okay with me if she gets seriously injured.

Jordan: You’ve never been turned down by a woman before?
Danny: Not this many times in one night by the same person, no.
Jordan: Say in four months you lose interest. You’re not going to break up with me because I’m seven months pregnant and you always wanna do the right thing. And then you marry me, and after four years you just can’t take it because you never loved me in the first place, and you leave, and then we have a four-year-old who just lost his father for the second time.
Danny: Did we ever go out to dinner anywhere in there?

Danny: I wasn’t going to lose interest in four months.
Jordan: How do you know?
Danny: Because I do. I don’t feel sorry for you. I’m not on a sobriety high. I just wanna be with you.

Danny: I’ve been locked up on a roof for four hours with a deadly viper at large, and it’s the best night of my life because I was with you. I wasn’t going to lose interest in four months. How do I know? Because I’m like a hundred times smarter than you and I know these things.

Cal: Yes, a snake got loose.
Danny: How many hours ago?
Cal: Tuesday. Then we sent a ferret down after the snake, and when the ferret didn’t come out, we sent down a coyote …
Danny: Oh my God.
Cal: … named Yotie. We have to rip up the stage now. I’ve told the cast the theater is full of toxic mold, and we’re gonna be fined pretty heavily by … several agencies.
Danny: How much did I say we could shoot it for if we went out?
Cal: Seventy-two thousand.
Danny: And how much did you say we could shoot it for if we stayed in?
Cal: Fifty-four thousand.
Danny: And how much will it have ended up costing us?
Cal: Two-hundred-and-thirty-five thousand. Little bit more if the ferret ends up eating the snake.
Danny: Oh, you better hope the ferret eats the snake, my friend.

Matt: You know, we’ve broken up about 50 times, and this time we weren’t even going out.

Matt: Dolphin Girl. I still haven’t been able to write a sketch for it. Think that’s why she got mad at me?
Wendy: Yes, Matt, I do. You have to understand women. They want men to write sketches for them when they come up with funny voices.

Studio 60, NBC, Harriet Dinner Part 2, memorable lines