Watching Studio60

As a follow-up to yesterday’s recap, here are some memorable lines from Studio 60’s fifth episode, “The Long Lead Story.”

Martha: It’s a 10,000 word piece. They’re not all going to be winners.

Matt: You’ve covered presidential campaigns. You’ve covered presidents. You’ve covered wars. What are you writing about a TV show for?
Martha: What are you writing a TV show for?
Matt: I’m not. I’m watching you dust my office for prints.
Martha: I’m writing about it because what’s happened here is important. I think what’s happening here is important. I think popular culture in general and this show in particular are important. (And … Tom walks in wearing a lobster costume.)

Martha: Matt, you know, we don’t know each other very well, but …
Matt: You’ve spent every hour with me for five days in a row. At this point, you know me better than my parents.
Martha: I don’t know your parents at all.
Matt: I meant …
Martha: I know what you meant. I was doing a dangling modifier joke.
Matt: Yeah, I stopped doing that to people in high school after the fourth time I got stuffed in my locker.

Martha: Is the fear of failure on such a massive scale a helpful motivation?

Danny: I’m coming from a meeting, I’m going to work.
Jordan: A meeting with who?
Danny: I can’t tell you.
Jordan: Why not?
Danny: Because the second A stands for “Anonymous.”

Danny: I agree with everything you said, but if I’d have said it I’d have used more sophisticated adjectives.

Danny: I don’t think his show is quite right for your network.
Jordan: Why?
Danny: It’s good.
Jordan: You’re right. I can’t imagine why I’d think you don’t respect me.

Danny: I should get back to the theater. Matt should be melting down right about now.

Martha: I’ll be covering some of the House races.
Harriet: Which ones?
Martha: A couple where there are stories. A couple where there are just good jokes.

Martha: How would I be referred to in your parents’ house?
Harriet: The devil’s whore from Washington.
Martha: Yeah. I’m actually the devil’s whore from Bethesda.

Harriet: Listen, you work in Washington and I work in Hollywood, but you’ll have to take my word for it, in most other parts of the world, the fact that I believe in God wouldn’t be noteworthy.

Martha: Would you have trouble doing a sketch about premarital sex?
Harriet: I don’t have a problem having premarital sex. It might be the only sex I’ll ever have, and I just gave you your pull-quote, so can I go home?

Martha: How did you get into comedy?
Harriet: Nobody wanted to hire me as a ballerina.

Martha: You became a Christian and a comedian at the same time.

Harriet: My mother got cancer when I was 15. And I said, “Mom, how come you never say, ‘Why me?’” And she said, “I never asked God, ‘Why me’ when the good things happened, so I shouldn’t ask now.”

Cal: Tell you what though, I’m getting a little tired of the lute players getting all the great women.

Martha: How are you different from your mother?
Harriet: I hope in as few ways as possible.

Jordan: It’s toxic. It’s bad crack in the schoolyard. And we’re just three weeks removed from Wes Mendell taking 53 seconds and destroying an unparalleled legacy in television to tell us so.

Jordan: A contest to see whose private lives can withstand public scrutiny? How interesting that couple must be.

Danny: We have got to rebuild this theater.
Matt: Well, we’re on TV in an hour and five minutes, so I don’t think now is the best time.

Suzanne: I feel like an idiot.
Tom: Well, I spent most of the week in a lobster costume, so you’re talking to the right guy.

Danny: If we keep cutting sketches that the host is in, we’re going to have a hard time getting hosts.

Danny: You know what we’re gonna do tonight at the wrap party? We’re gonna find you your rebound girl. An intermezzo, a cleansing of the palate. We’re not looking for a girl with a Ph.D. in string theory or anything, OK? There’ll be at least half a dozen women there who’ve been on the cover of FHM. That’s what’s for you right now.
Matt: Really?
Danny: Trust me. Trust my face.
Matt: You are …
Danny: Twice divorced.
Matt: And you have …
Danny: No one in my life at the moment.
Matt: And you haven’t for …
Danny: Quite some time.
Matt: Okay.

Martha: Simon, you got a minute?
Simon: For a rectal probe?

Wilson: If you want her to cook the meal, you gotta let her shop for the groceries.

Jordan: Who said that?
Jack: Who said what?
Jordan: If you want me to cook the meal, you’ve got to let me shop for the groceries.
Jack: Bill Parcells.
Jordan: Who’s that?
Jack: A football coach who hasn’t won a playoff game in nine years.

Simon: Harry, listen, something’s happened.
Harriet: What?
Simon: You know your … I guess, what do you call it, your personal life?
Harriet: Yeah?
Simon: Well …
Harriet: What did you idiots tell Martha O’Dell?
Simon: For what it’s worth, it started out as a gentlemanly act.

Danny: Hey, I’m looking up at the box. I don’t see McDeere. Think she fell out of love with us? It happens, you know, people change.
Cal: Hey, give her a break tonight if you see her. I got people telling me Les Moonves got the new Martin Sykes show.
Danny: She lost the bid?
Cal: She didn’t make a bid.
Danny: What do you mean?
Cal: She passed.
Danny: Really?
Cal: Jack Rudolph’s wandering the streets, so no one in L.A.’s safe tonight.

Martha: I’ll say this about you guys, you look out for each other. You’re not very good at doing it, but it’s nice to see the effort.

Matt: What are you writing about, Martha.
Martha: I don’t know yet. I know that half this country hates the other half. And I know that for ninety minutes a week, you and Harriet come together.

Matt: I was trying to impress Harriet. That’s how I broke.
Martha: No kidding.

Trevor: I think HBO is where people expect to find more literate programming.
Jordan: Yeah. I can’t remember, which Jane Austen novel was Taxicab Confessions adapted from?

Harriet: I didn’t think he was going to do this one.
Matt: I asked him to.
Harriet: What’s it like telling a rock legend what to sing and having him sing it.
Matt: I didn’t tell him, I asked him. I like this song. It reminds me of something.
Harriet: You know Martha O’Dell’s got our number, right?
Matt: Oh, Harry, I don’t even have our number.

Did I miss one of your favorite lines from this episode? Share it in the comments.

Studio 60, NBC, The Long Lead Story, memorable lines